Cash rules everything around me.

We’ve been watching as the recession has come along and wiped out wealth and changed the complexion of the financial foundation of America for the forseeable future.  Let’s not kid ourselves here, the news has been pretty bad.  And with that, it seems like everyone is lining up to get some kind of a bailout.  That’s cool, we’ll never hate on people trying to get money.  But the question that The HAA is trying to figure out is; where’s the bailout for the Bourgies?

President Obama isn’t answering our emails and we’ve been rebuffed for several meetings with Sec. of the Treasury Timothy Geithner.  So we’ve some up with out own plan to help put a little extra money back into your pockets.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Bourgie Bailout Package:

Netflix: If you live in a major city, going out and catching a flick at your local cineplex can put a real hurt on your wallet.  In Chicago, to see a movie downtown can run you an easy $50 for you and a date between parking, tickets, and snacks at the theatre.  But in these economic times its time we say GTFOH to the Hollywood hijacking and find a new way to get some movies in our lives.  Enter Netflix.  $20 a month for all the movies you want to see, and all you need is a mailbox.  We’ve done the math and its actually cheaper than the bootleg man.  Can’t afford that?  Ummm, maybe its time to invest in some sock puppets and have you and your significant other act out your favorite films while eating fried bologna and boiled eggs.

Costco: Your father was right, buying in bulk really does save you money in the long run.  All too often, we get caught up in running to the store every couple of weeks to re-up on supplies and that can add up when it comes to your bottom line.  Got something you buy more than twice a month (see: soap, shampoo, bottled water, etc.), maybe you need to look at buying it in bulk.  We’ve been stockpiling canned sodas and paper towels at HAA Headquarters and saving an extra $12.00 a month just on that.  We know its not as cool or sexy as shopping at Whole Foods, but guess what?  Neither is the unemployment line.  So hit up the store, buy you a pack of 200 chicken nuggets and be happy with the fact that you have more money to pseudo-ball at the club.  You can do it without feeling guilty, you have 40 cans of corned beef hash at home.

Craigslist: One man’s trash is another man’s treasure.  Remember that mountain bike you bought three years ago when you were convinced that you were going to spend at least six hours a week peddling around the park only to have that big case land on you that summer and thus the bike collect dust?  Well, we know you’re not gonna ride it anytime soon.  And we promise we won’t tell anyone when you post it up on Craigslist when you hock it off on some other unsuspecting sap… oops, we mean health enthusiast… who’s got more time to dedicate to the road than you.  Same goes for that old Compaq you’ve had collecting dust since ‘04 and the George Foreman Grill you haven’t touched since you got the new new Foreman Grill last year.  All for sale.  Just post them up and wait for someone to come and offer you a pretty good deal for something you’d probably just throw away anyway.  Its like the pawn shop without the inherent sense of guilt.

Bearshare Lite: Not that we advocate stealing music… In fact, if you haven’t already please go out and legally purchase The Foreign Exchange, “Leave It All Behind”… But we understand that sometimes forking over your hard earned cash to Steve Jobs and other known millionaires can be a hard pill to swallow with money being the way it is right now.  Feel free to steal all the R. Kelly, MIMS, Dipset, Soulja Boy, and Flo Rida that you can, because hey, you never really liked them anyway and no one’s looking.

Outlet Malls: Right about now, your local outlet is having a sale.  Recession pricing at its finest.  No one’s going to care that you’re wearing last year’s cut from Brooks Brothers when you laugh at them and tell them you got the pants for $8 (and yes, we found pants for $8.00 at Brooks Brothers last weekend).  If you’re not onto outlet shopping yet, you’ve missed out and may God have mercy on your wallet.

Manual Labor: You bought the Gold’s Gym Membership.  You went for a week.  And their still debiting your account once a month for the $46.  Save your money, get in shape, and do something good for yourself by going outside and doing something with your hands.  Plant something, build something, fix something, lift something, break a sweat and get dirty for a reason.  Your grandparents did it, and you remember how slave-diesel your grandfather was even after eating three meals that all consisted of some kind of pork product and fried side item.  You don’t need to cut back on the carbs, you just need to step it up on the hard work.

Liquor Storing It: If you live in a state where Costco sells liquor, disregard this line ’cause you already got the hook-up.  If not, its time to bring back the spirit of undergrad and start making it a BYOB night at the house instead of trying to make it rain at the club.  A bottle of Ketel One will run you about $28.00 versus the three glasses you’ll get for the same price at your local Baller Haven.  Don’t waste your time of your money.  Keep a bottle of the good stuff at the ponderosa, know that you bought it at a reasonable price, and just keep it frugal when you hit the streets.  Don’t worry, you got more at home and no one cares what you’re sipping on at the bar anyway.

These are just a few of what the HAA Bourgie Bailout Package has to offer.  Feel free to add on any other ideas that we may have missed.

No related posts.

Screwed by Wall St

The Takeover

It’s over — we’re officially, royally fucked. no empire can survive being rendered a permanent laughingstock, which is what happened as of a few weeks ago, when the buffoons who have been running things in this country finally went one step too far. It happened when Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner was forced to admit that he was once again going to have to stuff billions of taxpayer dollars into a dying insurance giant called AIG, itself a profound symbol of our national decline — a corporation that got rich insuring the concrete and steel of American industry in the country’s heyday, only to destroy itself chasing phantom fortunes at the Wall Street card tables, like a dissolute nobleman gambling away the family estate in the waning days of the British Empire.

Click here to read the full story

Related Blogs

• Related Blogs on financial crisis
• Dubai Business | Kippreport » The financial crisis could even lead …
• Remarks made in Hong Kong on U.S. Financial Crisis | Economic …

• Related Blogs on rolling stone
• GoNintendo » Blog Archive » Rolling Stone’s ‘100 People Who Are …

• Related Blogs on wall street

No related posts.