Wrong.

Now, we love Hip Hop as much as the next Black person, but what we hate is how wrong this album cover is.  Not the blatant misogyny, nor the pedantic notion of what the record stands for, and we’re not even going to comment on the litany of also rans F-list rappers that are appearing on it… What we’re most mad at is the trashtacular Photoshop work on it.

Someone needs to get Pen-N-Pixel on the line and show them how it’s supposed to be done.

Like this…

Whoomp, there it is.

So, if you own this album or know anyone who may have been checking for this record, You might be a bamma.

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from Jon Genius on Vimeo.’ >Any1Man

Enjoy the show.

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Beat your kids early and often.

These guys have officially given up their freedom not only for putting on such a buffoonish display of negritude, but also for having the audacity and temerity to video tape and then post for public consumption such drivel.  This is exactly why you cannot allow your children to grow up to be bammas.

I blame the parents and the public school system for letting us down with these idiots.

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You know its hard out here for a pimp.

After January 20, it seemed as though the Black community was prepared to take the rest of 2009 as a collective victory lap with the T Tops off the 1984 Buick Grand National as an opening salvo to our resurgence as a people.  But all that hope and optimism just hasn’t been fully realized.  Unfortunately, there are still those out there who didn’t get the memo and have been openly conspiring to keep us off the Jadakiss plan and make sure that we don’t make it.

So we’ve decided to compile a list of people who just want to make it hard for Black folks in 2009.  People who just don’t want us to get our act together, want to keep us back in 2008, and are general haters on progress.

The List:

-Soulja Boy:  As if making us crank that Soulja Boy wasn’t bad enough and hadn’t quite cemented his coon bona fides, he’s come back in 2009 with even more ignorance.  Oh yes, young Mr. Tellem publicly thanked white people for slavery.  Yeah, that’s right, taking a page out of the Pat Buchanan handbook, Soulja Boy opined for the good old days when we were in the fields, picking stuff and singing those lovely songs about our bondage.  Here’s an idea, how’s about we just go ahead and sell him back into slavery and have him thank us for it later.

-Anyone doing the Stanky Leg:  If you’re over 18 and you’ve done this dance anywhere outside of the privacy of your own home, you’re setting us back in the struggle.  Whenever we see people doing the Stanky Leg, we are reminded of the scene at the Edmund Pettus Bridge… only in reverse.

-The Pope:  Not that we’re dissing Catholicism, we just have an issue with the pontiff going to Africa, a place being ravaged by an AIDS epidemic, and then telling Africans not to use condoms.  Someone needs to tell Pope Benedict that its going to be hard to grow the Catholic church in Africa when everyone is dead.

-Kwame Kilpatrick:  Because somewhere in Detroit, someone is organizing his re-election campaign… and its probably going to work.

-Jimmy Fallon: By hiring The Roots as his band, he’s cut their touring schedule.  Why does it matter?  Well, because that’s just one less bourgie black gathering to look forward to this year.

-Michael Steele:  We bet the Republicans want a do-over after picking this guy as their chairman.  The only thing more amazing than his ability to say unbelievably stupid stuff is his preternatural skill at finding an open mic and/or camera to say it in front of.  He’s like his own worst enemy and the hits just keep on coming.  But we guess it serves the Republicans right.  This is the same group of people who complained about Affirmative Action giving underqualified minorities jobs that White men could do and now that they’ve hired their own underqualified minority, they’re living out the self-fulfilling prophecy.  One good thing he did do, he made DL Hughley’s show on CNN worth watching once.

-VH1: This is the network that resurrected Flavor Flav, gave us Tiffany “New York” Pollard, which then spawned Real and Chance, and now has decided to serve up Ray J as an object of desire.  There should be a Bourgie riot in front of Viacom headquarters and we need to demand the head of VH1’s programming director on a flaming stick.  The day is coming soon when VH1 airs Celebrity Plantation and no one thinks twice about watching it.

Anyone else we’re missing?  Please feel free to add on…

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You should be here.

enFULLAffect Marketing and Swank Society presents, Omar at the Double Door on Sunday April 5.

If you claim to be Bourgie and have your bona fides as a legitimate music snob, Omar should need no introduction.  For the others who are trying to catch up, if you’re a fan of Neo-Soul and are looking to expand your horizons, look no further.  A classic blend of Soul and R&B with a British twist, Omar blends the nostalgic melodies of the past with the rhythms of now to form a sound that’s both retrospective and futuristic at the same time.

We’re recommending this to all of our Alumni in Chicago as well as anyone else in the area who may want to check it out.  Catching Omar in the US is rare, so don’t miss this opportunity.

For more information and tickets check out Chicago In Crowd (www.chicagoincrowd.com).

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Seriously, someone let these people leave the house looking like this.

Bourgies, we need to huddle up for a sec and talk about a few things that are getting to be out of bounds within and without our community.  There’s a real scourge and rising tide, a black tide (not like Black like the people, but black like bad, and bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good) that threatens to consume us all.  Its not just the risk of abject bammadom or the threat of a coonami that could wash us all away, but the overall lack of cooth that seems to be permeating Bourgie society as a whole and could lead to the downfall of our culture.

And we can’t have that.

So we’re here now to give you a guide to avoid being part of the problem, and a few tips to help you in becoming part of the solution to the destruction of all that we hold dear.  We’ve created a couple of Do’s and Don’ts and some rules for the road to keep you on the straight and narrow.

Don’t be That Guy or That Girl…

-Don’t Be That Guy on Facebook with a shirtless profile picture:  There’s nothing more disturbing that seeing that you have a friend request only to open it to some bare chested negro flexing and saying “Remember me from Calculus?”  If you’re over 21 and have a job that doesn’t pay by the hour, then there’s no reason why you should be shirtless in any photo unless you’re on the beach… And even then, you shouldn’t be flexing like the lost member of Full Force or Lou Ferigno.  Here’s the new rule, if you’re shirtless, you can’t be our friend.

-Don’t Be That Girl on Facebook with the profile picture that you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror trying to perfect your “sexy pose”:  There’s only two types of guys who get turned on by those self portraits; high schoolers and the dudes that Chris Hansen confronts on To Catch A Predator.  Its 2009 and if you don’t have the common decency and self respect to find someone to hold the camera for you, then maybe you shouldn’t be taking cupcake photos for strangers on the net.  There’s a thin line between narcissism and a cry for help, your profile pic should show more of the former than the latter.

-Don’t Be That Guy who thinks that wearing skinny jeans actually makes you look cool:  There’s something unbelievably disturbing about seeing a grown man stuffed into pair of jeans that could double as a denim leotard.  We shouldn’t wonder if that bulge in your pocket is spare change or your nuts.  In fact, we’re not sure who started this horrible trend, but we’re convinced that the birth rate is going to be adversely affected by it.  Gentlemen, leave the skinny jeans to the skinny girls.  Grown men shouldn’t have muffin tops.

-Don’t Be That Girl walking around in the dead heat of the summer wearing loose cowboy boots:  There’s nothing remotely sexy about having to wait all winter to see women walking around and looking great in sandals and opened toed heels only to be stabbed in the heart when you see ladies wearing a beautiful sundress accented by a pair of disgusting brown loose cowboy boots.  If its a nice toasty and humid summer day and you’re strolling down the promenade in your short skirt and loose boots and see all the men staring at you, its not because they think you’re cute, they’re just trying to figure out how bad your feet probably smell.  Leave the boots for ranchers and mariachi bands, please.

-Don’t Be That Guy who shows up at the house party/barbecue with four other dudes and empty handed: If you’ve got a good job and some sense of hospitality you know that you tithe something to the festivities.  Even if you show up with a sixer of Lowenbrau and a bag of puffy Cheetoes, you brought SOMETHING.  Oh, and all the thirsty homeys you got in tow, we see them too and its a bad look all aroud.  You’re not getting any numbers and you’re not getting invited back.  That’s what sports bars and strip clubs are for.

-Don’t Be That Girl who at 30 thinks she’s the same size she was at 21:  We are all getting older, we’re all getting wiser, and we’re all falling victim to the same metabolistic assault.  So when you show up at the spot trying to pry yourself into a size 2 when physics and structural engineering says you should be in a 6, the only thing you’re doing is hurting our vision and your own feelings.  Besides, the men are putting on weight too so they’ll forgive you for getting a few more of yours too.

-Don’t Be That Guy Or That Girl who doesn’t know when they’ve taken a fad just a little too far (see photo above): We’ve reached a point in life when you should be comfortable with who you are, what you are, and where you are and a massive hipster overhaul of your wardrobe isn’t going to make you look like Kanye or MIA, you’re just going to look like an ass.  Here’s a simple rule to follow when looking for a fad to follow; if it hurts, you don’t need to do it.  If you weren’t cool at 25, you won’t be cool at 32 and it doesn’t matter what you wear or what you drive, you’re still a herb looking for validation from people who abandoned you long ago.  Not trying to be mean, just trying to help.

Thanks and please pass along to others.

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All my life, I done hadta fight!

You know how it starts.  You’re at work, someone’s having a birthday party and they ask a coworker if they want some cake… Then you think, “Annie Mae, eat the damn cake!”… We’ve all been there.  One minute, you’re trying to make it through the day as a corporate schlock, the next, you’re fighting your mind to fend off movie quotes from one of the films in the cannon of Bourgie Black Culture.

Its okay.  We understand.  If you were born between 1975 and 1984, you remember the day your family got its first VCR and huddling around the television on a Saturday night to watch the latest VHS tape and listening to your aunt and uncle argue over whether it worked right on channel 3 or channel 4 while you waited to watch The Last Dragon.  And just for that, we’ve compiled this list of films that every self respecting Bourgie should have committed to their private collection at home.

The List:

10.) The Best Man:  Because its the bourgie woman’s dream.  Marry a professional athlete who just so happens to be best friends with a best-selling author, a community organizer, and a well to do cad and host a lavish wedding with all of your girls oogling over the headlight attached to a platinum band that is your engagement ring.  Throw in the fact that it stars all of the Bourgie movie usual suspects (see: Sanaa Lathan, Taye Diggs, Terrence Howard, Nia Long, and Morris Chestnut) and you’ve got cinematic black gold.  This movie has it all, romance, drama, violence, and black people doing the Electric Slide to Earth, Wind, & Fire while still being one of the best date movies of all time.

9.) Boomerang:  Let’s face it, most of the black men working in advertising today owe their career choice to Marcus Graham (HAA staff included).  This movie is a classic because its got some of the best obscure quotables of all time (”I told you they don’t stink if you take the membranes out!”) and, for its time, it was the pinnacle of Bourgie fashion (the inside of Marcus Graham’s crib looked like the Karl Kani section at Up Against The Wall).  You can’t beat a film that’s got comic legends in it like Eddie Murphy, Martin Lawrence, Chris Rock, AND John Witherspoon balanced out by some of the hottest chicks in the game at the time, Lela Rochon, Robin Givens, Halle Berry, and MILF Emeritus Eartha Kitt (RIP Catwoman).  And the added bonus, the soundtrack was hot… Don’t front on PM Dawn “I’d Die Without You.”

8.) What’s Love Got To Do With It:  Before we go any further, let’s make this crystal clear, there is nothing funny about domestic violence.  Nothing.  Now that we’ve made that disclaimer, the first three or four times you watch this film, its the story of Tina Turner’s triumphant rise over tragedy and adversity to beat the odds, win her life back, and become a star in her own right… But like, that fifth or sixth time, its the Ike Turner Ignorant Quote-Fest.  Lawdhamercy, there’s some classics here; “She can leave, she can go.  But the name stays home.  The name got my daddy blood on it!,” or “I’m off that narcotic!” or the all-time classic “YOU TRYNA HEP IKE!?!?”… Again, for the record, Domestic Violence= Not Funny, Ike Turner Quotes= Hilarious.

7.) Love Jones:  In the pre-DVD days of yore, when a man invited a woman over to his house to watch a movie on VHS that was the activity for the night.  There wasn’t much time for flipping out one disc for another or skipping from scene to scene.  You popped in a tape, pushed play, and that was what you were watching.  So when it was time to invite that special someone over to the house to watch a movie, nothing said “I plan on getting busy with you later” better than Love Jones.  Every woman knows how that movie starts, all the poetry and whatnot… but every man knows how that movie ends, with you giving a woman a tour of your bedroom ceiling.  There’s probably a Love Jones Jackson or Love Jones Simmons running around today that should be about 11 or 12 years old.

6.) House Party:  Don’t front, that shit’s funny.  Looking back on it, it was Black America’s early ’90s answer to a John Hughes film from the ’80s.  Tacky music, fomulaic jokes, easily defined good-guys and bad-guys, a flimsy love story, and the guy who worked at Winky Dinky Dog in Hollywood Shuffle asking for some Dick Gregory.  Also, it was a “safe” movie at the time and your parents didn’t mind dropping you off at the mall with $4.50 to see it with your friends.  But the thing that makes this movie timeless is Robin Harris, a comedic treasure we lost too soon but who made it possible for others like Cedric The Entertainer and Bernie Mac to get some shine later.

5.) School Daze: For those of you who went to HBCUs, this movie probably factored into at least 35% of your decision.  Anyone who went to an HBCU would argue that School Daze is just as much fiction as it is documentary and the searing rhetoric of the time between the classes of African Americans and the chasm in thought still exists to this day (”I am not from AF-REE-KA, I’m from Detroit!”) not to mention Samuel L. Jackson keeping it as real as it gets in the Kentucky Fried Chicken scene.  Its a snapshot in time, but yet its still timeles and every time you step foot onto a college campus and see any form of Black Greek life, you immediately think of G PHI G.

4.) Boyz N The Hood: Before Cuba Gooding Jr. became an unrepentant coon, Ice Cube cut the jheri curl, and gang signs became a commercial accessory, this was the hardest movie of all time.  It came along at just about the time that the West Coast was cementing its street cred, songs about shooting people were hitting the radio in droves, and all that black consciouness of the late ’80s/early /’90s was getting pushed aside for thuggery.  But there’s just too many unanswered questions about this one… Like, if you know you got some bangers riding around in a Hyundai Excel looking for you, why you gonna stop in the middle of an exposed alley to eat a honey bun and scratch off lottery tickets?  OR, how in the hell did they get them SAT scores back so fast?  OR, how do you get out of a car splattered with blood and just walk the streets of Los Angeles with no one stopping you and asking you what’s up?  OR, how did Chris get on the porch with that wheelchair?  You get the point…

3.) The Wiz:  There’s always gonna be a debate about who’s the better Dorothy, Diana Ross or Stephanie Mills, but there’s no debating how great The Wiz is.  Its not just any musical that a straight black man will proudly display in his DVD collection or that can get thugs dancing to “Ease On Down” at the club (we’ve seen it!), nope.  The soundtrack to this movie is Quincy Jones’s thrid greatest contribution to humanity (1. Thriller, 2. Rashida, 3. The Wiz) and that shit still cranks to this day.  You’re probably waiting to have kids so that one day, you can watch The Wiz with them too.

2.) Coming To America: The most quotable movie of all time… You just said it to yourself, “The royal penis is clean your highness.”… This movie never gets old.  Ever.  What other movie out there can you watch for the 312th time and laugh at like its the first time you’ve seen it?  Its a mainstay in the Bourgie household.  Its the unassailable greatest Black comedy of all time.  We dare you to think of a funnier movie, g’head… that’s right, you can’t because you were too busy thinking about Randy Watson.

1.) The Color Purple:  President Obama should make an executive order declaring that this movie be shown every Sunday afternoon on at least one channel.  There’s not getting around the fact that this is the greatest black film of all time, and before you start tripping ’cause a white man directed it, remember that a white man also founded Popeye’s Chicken and we know how great that is too.  The story is compelling, the acting is amazing, the cinematography is extraordinary, and its one movie that all generation of Bourgies enjoy together.  Its a crime, pity, and gotdamned shame that it got shut out at the Academy Awards.  But Oscar or not, its THE greatest Bourgie Black film of all time.

Honorable Mentions:

-Do The Right Thing, “D, muthafucka, D!”

-Menace II Society, “You actin’ like a real BITCH right about now!”

-Hollywood Shuffle, “Black Acting Schooooool!”

-The Golden Child, “I want the kniiiife… Pleeeeeaaaaase.”

-The Last Dragon, “Kiss my converse!”

-Malcolm X, “We didn’t land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on us!”

And now, the floor is open for debate.

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