Seriously, someone let these people leave the house looking like this.

Bourgies, we need to huddle up for a sec and talk about a few things that are getting to be out of bounds within and without our community.  There’s a real scourge and rising tide, a black tide (not like Black like the people, but black like bad, and bad meaning bad, not bad meaning good) that threatens to consume us all.  Its not just the risk of abject bammadom or the threat of a coonami that could wash us all away, but the overall lack of cooth that seems to be permeating Bourgie society as a whole and could lead to the downfall of our culture.

And we can’t have that.

So we’re here now to give you a guide to avoid being part of the problem, and a few tips to help you in becoming part of the solution to the destruction of all that we hold dear.  We’ve created a couple of Do’s and Don’ts and some rules for the road to keep you on the straight and narrow.

Don’t be That Guy or That Girl…

-Don’t Be That Guy on Facebook with a shirtless profile picture:  There’s nothing more disturbing that seeing that you have a friend request only to open it to some bare chested negro flexing and saying “Remember me from Calculus?”  If you’re over 21 and have a job that doesn’t pay by the hour, then there’s no reason why you should be shirtless in any photo unless you’re on the beach… And even then, you shouldn’t be flexing like the lost member of Full Force or Lou Ferigno.  Here’s the new rule, if you’re shirtless, you can’t be our friend.

-Don’t Be That Girl on Facebook with the profile picture that you took of yourself in the bathroom mirror trying to perfect your “sexy pose”:  There’s only two types of guys who get turned on by those self portraits; high schoolers and the dudes that Chris Hansen confronts on To Catch A Predator.  Its 2009 and if you don’t have the common decency and self respect to find someone to hold the camera for you, then maybe you shouldn’t be taking cupcake photos for strangers on the net.  There’s a thin line between narcissism and a cry for help, your profile pic should show more of the former than the latter.

-Don’t Be That Guy who thinks that wearing skinny jeans actually makes you look cool:  There’s something unbelievably disturbing about seeing a grown man stuffed into pair of jeans that could double as a denim leotard.  We shouldn’t wonder if that bulge in your pocket is spare change or your nuts.  In fact, we’re not sure who started this horrible trend, but we’re convinced that the birth rate is going to be adversely affected by it.  Gentlemen, leave the skinny jeans to the skinny girls.  Grown men shouldn’t have muffin tops.

-Don’t Be That Girl walking around in the dead heat of the summer wearing loose cowboy boots:  There’s nothing remotely sexy about having to wait all winter to see women walking around and looking great in sandals and opened toed heels only to be stabbed in the heart when you see ladies wearing a beautiful sundress accented by a pair of disgusting brown loose cowboy boots.  If its a nice toasty and humid summer day and you’re strolling down the promenade in your short skirt and loose boots and see all the men staring at you, its not because they think you’re cute, they’re just trying to figure out how bad your feet probably smell.  Leave the boots for ranchers and mariachi bands, please.

-Don’t Be That Guy who shows up at the house party/barbecue with four other dudes and empty handed: If you’ve got a good job and some sense of hospitality you know that you tithe something to the festivities.  Even if you show up with a sixer of Lowenbrau and a bag of puffy Cheetoes, you brought SOMETHING.  Oh, and all the thirsty homeys you got in tow, we see them too and its a bad look all aroud.  You’re not getting any numbers and you’re not getting invited back.  That’s what sports bars and strip clubs are for.

-Don’t Be That Girl who at 30 thinks she’s the same size she was at 21:  We are all getting older, we’re all getting wiser, and we’re all falling victim to the same metabolistic assault.  So when you show up at the spot trying to pry yourself into a size 2 when physics and structural engineering says you should be in a 6, the only thing you’re doing is hurting our vision and your own feelings.  Besides, the men are putting on weight too so they’ll forgive you for getting a few more of yours too.

-Don’t Be That Guy Or That Girl who doesn’t know when they’ve taken a fad just a little too far (see photo above): We’ve reached a point in life when you should be comfortable with who you are, what you are, and where you are and a massive hipster overhaul of your wardrobe isn’t going to make you look like Kanye or MIA, you’re just going to look like an ass.  Here’s a simple rule to follow when looking for a fad to follow; if it hurts, you don’t need to do it.  If you weren’t cool at 25, you won’t be cool at 32 and it doesn’t matter what you wear or what you drive, you’re still a herb looking for validation from people who abandoned you long ago.  Not trying to be mean, just trying to help.

Thanks and please pass along to others.

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